Hiding behind IDK
Why do we say 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥 after spilling our hearts out?
In her song Stoned at the Nail Salon, Lorde spends about a minute each verse contemplating about the things that have been plaguing her mind. She expresses, primarily and with much melancholy, her fear of missing out on bigger things following her decision to move back to New Zealand; wondering if she鈥檚 made the right choice. She tells us she鈥檚 lonely and she鈥檚 insecure but after about two minutes of confessing her thoughts, she swiftly dismisses her soul-baring confessions with a simple 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥.
I鈥檓 sure you鈥檝e been in this situation too. I know a friend and I have. We鈥檙e both in our final year, so like many other final year students, we were talking at great lengths about the future and after dissecting our worries and aspirations, we both just sighed and said, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥, at once putting an end to the topic and palliating the weight it clearly has over us.聽
The phrase 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥 can mean so much more than just not knowing or being unsure of something. Like Lorde, it can harbour something much deeper than that; something that we do know very well but choose to conceal its gravity for whatever reason.聽
Maybe it鈥檚 because we鈥檙e scared of being vulnerable. Maybe that鈥檚 because we鈥檙e used to perceiving vulnerability as a sign of weakness, so when we catch ourselves fitting our hearts too much on our sleeves, we quickly shrug it off with an 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥 鈥 a sorry attempt at downplaying whatever it is we鈥檙e feeling to appear nonchalant about it.
Maybe we try so hard to curb our vulnerabilities because we鈥檙e scared of being perceived as anything less than perfect, as if going through the ups and downs of life is not an inherent human experience. I think the internet might be somewhat responsible for this. Everyone always looks so put together and happy on social media, making me wonder sometimes if it鈥檚 weird that I don鈥檛 have my life together at 22 or that I鈥檓 not particularly in the brightest of mood today.聽
Another reason why we might say 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥 when deep down we鈥檙e actually certain about it is probably because we鈥檙e afraid to acknowledge those thoughts and feelings because by admitting them, they become real. We鈥檙e in denial, basically.聽
There might be heaps of other reasons why you might finish your sentence with an IDK. Whatever that might be, I think it's important to remember that your feelings and thoughts are valid. Sure, it may seem scary to be vulnerable but it's not a something that makes you weak. If anything, I command those who are brave enough to speak their truth.