Why do I get angry?
Image accessed from 19 October 2020.
I saw a video of Kanye West that reflected something about myself. I think it was a pretty old video, he was talking about the paparazzi. He said something like, 鈥淚 expect respect. If you鈥檙e messing with me and my family, don鈥檛 expect me not to put you in your place. Even if that place is eating the pavement鈥. That鈥檚 not an exact quote, but it was something to that effect, and delivered with that kind of intensity. On another occasion Kanye described himself as a blowfish, he doesn鈥檛 go out looking for a fight like a shark, but he will spike people to defend himself.
The important thing is that the way Kanye was feeling in these situations, that resonated with feelings I鈥檝e experienced. These are the situations that have made me the most angry. Feelings I have had when I felt people were messing with me, where I feel like messing back. Where I feel like I am entitled to defend myself.
Just like Kanye, the context in which I have usually gotten angry is when I perceive that someone is treating me without respect. Juvenile teasings, illogical superiorities, shoving me around鈥 that sort of thing. I鈥檝e never liked bullying. It just really bothers me when people try to put me down, or mock me without understanding who I am. I think I鈥檓 always going to hate this, but I can manage my reaction to it.
I鈥檇 love to frame this as me being the protector of others, rather than just protecting my own ego. Maybe sometimes I have stood up for others. The times I鈥檝e gotten most angry though, have usually been when people go after ME. So a lot of it is probably about my own pride, and my disdain for people not treating me fairly and with respect.
As an example, if someone was poking me in the ribs and mocking me about it, I would be upset. If I then asked them politely to stop, but they kept doing it, that's when I would start to feel angry. I have been raised in a society where, 鈥渁sk them to stop a bunch of times鈥 is the only proposed solution to this issue. So what if that doesn鈥檛 work? It can be hard to know what else I can do. It can be hard not to feel like lashing out is the only answer.
That鈥檚 what I鈥檒l be considering in my next post in this series (just to be clear: the answer is going to be: no, violence is not the answer).